


The Sperm-Donor Fraternity

by Voyna



Category: Naruto
Genre: Comedy, F/M, Friendship, Oneshot, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-04
Updated: 2015-02-04
Packaged: 2018-03-10 12:40:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3290684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Voyna/pseuds/Voyna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[AU] Your best friend steals your credit card to buy porn. And your brother blocks your bank account, demanding you get help for an addiction to porn you don't have. That's how you meet the love of your life. SasuHina</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Sperm-Donor Fraternity

The Sperm-Donor Fraternity  
By  
Voyna

The waitress filled Kiba’s cup up, as he stuffed his face. This was the best vintage dinner in the whole city. He admitted he wasn’t all that much into Elvis or shit, but Kiba loved the atmosphere. He didn’t know whose fucking leg he had to hump as a thank you. The chick, dude, tranny that made the pies was a real artist. A gift of God to mankind. Like, Kiba would ask her, him, it out any time. Grabbing onto his canvas bag, he started rummaging through his old shit, looking for something specific.

“Honestly, dude, I found this great porn. They’ve got the hottest chicks. Sweetest lesbian porn ever, my man.”

At those words, he lifted his head and shot his friend his trademark bitch-magnet smirk. Sai just turned his head to the side and slurped through his strawberry milkshake, smiling sweetly. Looking as gay as ever.

“I met my weekly quota in one day after watching that shit, no joke.”

And obviously, the whole dinner had to hear about Kiba’s porn preferences. The dude didn’t speak, he screamed. One would have thought him deaf. But he wasn’t, he had in fact such good ears he could hear you bitch-talking about him a mile away. 

Grabbing onto the proffered DVD case, Sai nudged the vanilla ice cream floating on top of his milkshake with his tongue. Nudge, nudge. Got Kiba to roll his eyes. The poor kid needed to get some. Presto. Because there was just so much public tongue-nudging Kiba could bear. And that passionate love affair Sai’s dick and right hand had going on didn’t count. 

“Thanks. I’ve got a list of links for you”, Sai answered, handing over a duck-shaped USB stick.

Where the fuck had the dude got that shit?!

“Yo, dude, what the hell is this?!”

“Well, Ino said it was cute.”

Ino, right. Poor Sai. The bitch and him were glued to each other’s ass and they yet had to reach first base. Like, with all the porn Sai was watching, Kiba would have thought him able to take care of business and shit. Ino wasn’t exactly super loose, granted, but she wasn’t Hinata either. So why the hell they didn’t get down and dirty was beyond him.

“Dude … Whatever. What you’ve got for me in there?”

Sai energetically bit the white ball he had been nudging, indecently sucking onto the piece of ice cream in his mouth. The whole dinner was staring shocked at the two of them and they were completely oblivious. The word shame wasn’t exactly in Kiba’s vocabulary and Sai was kinda Asperger so he was as socially apt as a Galapagos turtle.

“Uhm. Well I classified everything under categories. So you have Anal, Bukkake, Coercion, Creampie, Double-Dipping–”

“I can read a table of contents, for fuck’s sake. What do you recommend, asshole?”

Turning his head to the side, Sai looked at a pretty ridiculous picture of Jerry Lee Lewis thinking about how the guy and his fourteen-year old cousin-wife would have made great porn movies. Did porn exist in the sixties?

“Well, there is that one where a dwarf in a bunny suit gives a barely-legal teen her first anal. That was pretty hot.”

Kiba’s jaw dropped, giving Sai a good idea of what digested pie might have looked like. 

“I watched American Pie for the first time two days ago. Ino said I was a retard for never having watched it. I wonder what it feels like to shove your dick into a warm apple pie.”

Scratching his goatee, his buddy chewed pensively.

“Well, my man, by experience, I wouldn’t suggest you tried. Yeast infection, guaranteed.

“Oh, sucks.”

Kiba rummaged through his pockets and retrieved a ten dollar bill, slammed it on the table and, to all the customers’ great relief, almost screamed at Sai:

“Gotta go, dude, Hina’s tutoring me. I’ve got my motorcycle; you need a ride to the academy? Ain’t on my way but I got some time.”

“No, thank you. Ino says that two guys on a bike is gay.”

Fuck Ino, seriously. Since when had she become an intellectual authority for social norms?! Of all the awkward people Kiba knew, she was the most awkward. The chick was so opinionated and said shit that made Adam Sandler sound politically correct. Kiba was damn sorry for all the people that would ever consult her for their ejaculation issues. What the fuck had made her choose to study sexology?! He’d rather not know.

Swinging the belt of his bag over his shoulder and disappearing under his helmet, he tapped Sai on the back, almost making him slam nose-first into his shake.

“Say hi to Hina from me.”

…

Hinata giggled, looking at Sakura indecently undulating her hips, holding a pipette in the air and shaking an Erlenmeyer around. Good thing that they had a three-hour break in the middle of the day. No grads to spy and boss them around and no need to fight for culture bottles and the likes.

Motioning towards her ear, Hinata tried to make Sakura take her earbuds out. After five minutes, the pink-hair Miley Cyrus-wannabe did realize her friend wasn’t just having a seizure and turned her iPod off.

“You need the electric pipetter? Gotta recharge it first.”

“Uhm, n-no. Actually, I think we are short on … y-you know …”

There was something cute about Hinata still being unable to get over the fact they were doing their honors project on an aptameric ribozyme. That would recognize sperm. Human sperm. Human male sperm.

“It’s sperm, Hinata. You gotta get over that. We are working on a sperm quantifying method, girl. Repeat after me, sperm. Sperm. Sperm. Sperm.”

Obviously, Hinata had to blush deeply and duck her head as if something had been thrown her way. One day, Sakura would squirt some semen onto Hinata’s face to remedy to the problem … and because it would be hilarious. Great Facebook shit.

“Whose sperm are you working with? Kiba? Sai? Naruto, maybe?”

“S-Sakura!”

She had to grin. Hinata was the cutest thing ever. Ever. 

“Well, you gotta make do with what is left. Naruto should deliver some tonight, it’s Wednesday no? You are on freezing duty, eh! I have to cram for my Nuclear Acids midterm tomorrow. Why the hell didn’t you take that class?!”

“I am d-done with my biochemistry classes. I am only d-doing my chemical engineering ones for the n-next two years.”

Sakura rolled her eyes. Honestly. Who was crazy enough to do that fucked up double-degree biochemistry/chemical engineering?! Hinata, that’s who. Her father was putting too much pressure on the poor girl. She would get into med-school for sure; she didn’t need that chemical engineering degree to fall back on. Hinata would end up dying, for fuck’s sake. Six classes per semester, seven at times. Fucked up.

“Uhm, at what time is N-Naruto coming? Shino and I are m-meeting up at seven to do our Programming assignment.”

“He should be here at six. Don’t forget to write down the time and date and make him sign. You know how particular Kakashi is. He just wants us to forget so he doesn’t have to pay. Greedy asshole.”

It had all started because of their supervisor being a greedy asshole. Sakura and Hinata had chosen to do their Biochemistry honors at Pr. Dr. Hatake’s lab; had they known him better, they would’ve reconsidered. Truth being said, Hinata had wanted to work with Pr. Dr. Yūhi. Work on the CRISPER-cas system. Find a way to repair the gene responsible for Duchene muscular dystrophy. Do something useful in other words. But Kurenai had taken a maternity leave and Sakura had dragged Hinata to Kakashi’s lab. Where they worked with sperm. For whatever obscure reason. Most probably because Kakashi was a pervert. And even Hinata, who generally lived in denial, couldn’t find a way to disregard it. 

Human sperm was a hell to find. You had to buy it, get it delivered and it all cost a lot. Count on Kakashi not wanting to shell money out, especially after the cuts in science. Profs couldn’t rely on federal subsidies anymore. Sucked dicks. And of course, that meant Profs were less eager to accept students doing their honors or interning with them. Sakura had had to prove that she was the top of the top to get into the lab. Hinata had had it easier; she just mentioned she was doing a double-degree and showed her marks.

All that to say, noobs made mistakes. And in their lab, they better hide them. How did you hide the fact you just lost a certain quantity of your main component because you sucked at what you did?! It had just so happened that working a twenty-hour shift six months ago, Hinata and Sakura had gone through their last bottle of sperm and the experiment had gone to hell. The next sperm order was due in two days. Two days doing nothing. They would have had to tell the grads. The grads would have told Kakashi. And Kakashi would’ve whooped their ass.

Sakura being her resourceful self had had the best idea ever. And Hinata had started hyperventilating before she had even told her. She had been right to freak out. Because Sakura, being adorably manipulative (adorable according to herself, manipulative according to the rest of the world), had made a certain someone appear at eleven o’clock in front of their lab that very evening. Naruto.

She had let him in and demanded that he … well, that he helped them. Hinata remembered it as if it had been yesterday. Sakura had made Naruto sit on a lab stool at eleven pm. Leaning in, batting her long pink eyelashes at him and flashing the cleavage she did not have, she had whispered something to his ear. Hinata would never forget the horrified, wide blue eyes that had looked at Sakura, then at her, then at Sakura again. He had squeaked something. But when Sakura had offered him fifty dollars, all his sensibilities had gone to hell.

Naruto had had no idea he could give his sperm to science without small Narutos sprouting on his path. He had had no idea it could be a lucrative business either. Like, Sakura, his unrequited love, needed his help. His help implied masturbating. And he was getting paid for it?! 

Fact was, Naruto wasn’t studying business for nothing. He had smelled a great opportunity to make money. And Sakura had smelled a great opportunity to get on Kakashi’s good side and get that goddamn reference letter she needed. She was applying to med-school a year before Hinata. She was desperate.

In other words, Sakura had dragged Naruto to Kakashi. Made the two of them shake hands (she had been very satisfied to know that Naruto had offered Kakashi his working hand). And forced Naruto to offer his services as … well, sperm-donor. More like sperm factory.

Instead of paying around one hundred bucks per bottle, Kakashi struck a deal worthy of a slave-owner. Twenty dollars per bottle. And Naruto had to furnish at least five bottles per week. When you were an undergrad living in a crummy four-bedroom apartment with five other dudes, two chicks and a dog, you couldn’t even hide a bag of ramen from that colony of grasshoppers. You didn’t exactly spit on one hundred dollars weekly.

The Sperm-Donor Fraternity had been born. That’s how Kiba had called it. Because you could count on Kiba wanting in on that. The dude did sperm deliveries twice a week, for a total of ten bottles. Weekly. At twenty dollars each. Kiba brought in two hundred bucks a week. Plus, he had a sperm count of one hundred million cells, way above the sixty million average. 

Naruto was able to furnish around six bottles weekly, for a total of one hundred and twenty. And Sai, whom Kiba recruited out of pity, held the record. Fourteen bottles per week. Fourteen fucking bottles. The guy had been too Asperger to know how to jerk off when Kiba had dragged him in; and here he was, best employee of the month. 

They proudly made six hundred dollars a week. Two thousands four hundred per month. Twenty-eight thousand eight hundred per year. Nine thousand six hundred per head. Just to jerk off. They were young and had made a difference in the world at age twenty-one. They made science progress. Without them, Sakura and Hinata would never be able to … play around with their sperm, really. 

Mmm, Sakura playing with Naruto’s sperm. He would be her personal sperm-donor anytime. Kiba wasn’t all that enthusiastic about Hinata playing with his, though. She had spent a month at his family’s farm in Vermont. She was his second sister. Like, his mother called Hinata her favorite child, since she hadn’t had to tear her vagina up to give way to her. She was family. Sibling-zoned for eternity. He didn’t want his sweet, innocent little sister playing around with his semen. The idea made his dick shrivel and his productivity decline.

As for Sai, well, he did not have any special attachment to his sperm and was more than willing to spread it around. Whoever wanted to play with his semen was very welcome to do so. And if ever there was a virgin dwarf-lady that needed some help in the department he could always help. He had had a forty-five minute crash course on the subject.

Throwing her plastic gloves into a bin, Hinata waved at Sakura. She had to tutor Kiba. Again. Life Science Calculus just wasn’t his thing. Lucky he hadn’t had to take the engineering class; he would have crashed and burned. 

…

A knock on the lab door’s window made Hinata jump. The grads shot her a significant look. She was the undergrad, so she had to answer phones, open doors, go pick up deliveries and other BS. While they played Sims on their fucking computers. They thought she didn’t know?!

Massaging the bridge of her nose, she stood up and made her way to the door. As she took a look at the window, she jumped, a yelp escaping her. Someone had stamped his face on the glass. Someone blond. She honestly didn’t need to have a panoramic view of the insides of Naruto’s nose. He took a step back and started laughing. Well, at least he found it funny …

As she opened the door, Naruto grinned at her, shaking the cardboard box in front of him.

“Merry Christmas, Hina! Here’s your semen delivery. Santa Claus approved.”

He really thought he was funny. Laurel and Hardy material just there. Hinata blushed and took the box from him, making Naruto step into the lab. Nodding at the grads that worked on their computers, he grabbed a lab coat hanging on the doorframe and slid his arms into it.

“Hey, Naruto. S-Sorry for having insisted you came so early. I’ll go get s-some dry ice. You mind preparing the glycerol/DMS s-solution for me?”

Naruto fucking loved playing around with solutions and pipettes and the likes. Plus, it was nice knowing Hinata trusted him with that shit. Sakura thought him too retarded to calculate a one-to-ten ratio and usually didn’t even let him into the lab. And she was right, Kakashi would’ve freaked out knowing someone from the outside as much as breathed his lab’s air. 

But, since Hinata had caught the grads having a booze party in the lab, they became super lenient with her. It was something like a tacit agreement. She kept her trap shut about their little party and they let Naruto or Kiba in. 

Sai was a little too much for anyone, so he was banned for life. Telling Kakashi he must have had a small-penis complex because he drove a Mercedes-Benz had made Sai the number one enemy. First impressions were not his forte. He had told Hinata she had enormous, beautiful breasts and Sakura she was ugly the first time they had met. 

He was a little out of it. But generally speaking, Hinata liked him. He was very artistic. And once you got over the fact he had no brain-to-mouth filter, you realized he was pretty smart too.

Coming back with a box of dry ice at minus eighty, Hinata grabbed onto the pipette Naruto was handing her and added the solution into each sample, while he screwed each bottle into the dry ice. He had to admit he kinda missed the feeling of Hina and him being a team. 

They had been high school sweethearts or shit like that. She had had a crush on him and he had been in love with Sakura that ran after Sasuke. Naruto had been dumb and young, so he’d decided to start going out with Hinata, y’know, just to have someone. And it had been a nice relationship actually. They’ve lasted the last two years of high school and one year of college.

Naruto had hoped he would get over Sakura eventually. But at the end of their first year, Sasuke, who was getting a degree in international relations, decided to send New York to hell and went on an exchange to France. Then, he decided to spend another year and a half in England. Sakura and Naruto were left kinda alone. 

It’s only later that Hinata picked Kiba and Shino up. And then Sakura’s childhood friend, Ino, and her two best buds, Shikamaru and Chōji, joined the party. As for Sai, he just appeared out of nowhere. One day, he wasn’t there. The next day, he had moved in. 

All that to say, Hinata had been very busy with her double-degree and living in a two-bedroom apartment with a nice, calm roommate that did Kung Fu and could break your nose in one move. Sakura and Naruto had been roommates. Shit had happened. And Hinata and him had broken up. 

Instead of having made a mess of the situation, she had taken it like a lady. Calmly, without tears or reproaches. It had kinda punched Naruto to the guts. He had expected … There was no better revenge than doing as if you weren’t all that affected by your boyfriend cheating. Naruto had been more touched by the fact Hinata took it so well than by the knowledge he had screwed over a great relationship.

Sakura had been the one to freak out the most. Naruto still remembered all the months she had spent trying to make it up to Hinata. And Hinata reassuring her, in that calm, sweet manner of hers. Another great way of taking revenge. The more Hinata had showered Sakura with affection, the more Sakura had guilt-tripped. 

Obviously, Hinata had tried to make it easier on them, not worse. But it resulted in them never having started dating in the first place. Had Hinata made a mess of the situation, it would have brought them closer. This way, it had just ended up in an aborted relationship. And here was Naruto, regretting ever having cheated. Yet again.

“By the way, guess who’s coming back?”

Lifting the box with the freezing samples, Hinata shot him a curious glance, motioning for him to open the lab door for her. As they stepped out, Naruto let the name fall, expecting some type of reaction.

“Sasuke, that’s who. After two years and a half, man. The bastard is coming back.”

She smiled noncommittally. Sasuke and her had never really been friends. Obviously, she knew him and he knew her. Naruto and her had dated for a decent while and she had been stuck trying to fake interest in Sasuke Uchiha. Just that she had never been able to see what everyone else saw in him. Girls ran after him, dudes envied him. 

He had been the cow’s moo, or the cat’s meow, or the dog’s woof, whatever. Just that Hinata had always found him somewhat … absent. He had tried to run away and she understood him, it sucked having the whole world staring at you. Had she known he had had dudes checking his dick out when he pissed as a means of comparison, she would have pitied him more.

“T-That’s great, Naruto. When is he c-coming back?”

They stepped into an elevator and Hinata’s attention got hijacked by colleagues from other labs.

As they exited on their floor, Naruto picked the subject up again.

“In two days actually. So, you free? He’s gonna meet plenty of new people. Y’know Kiba and Shino. And Sai. I am not even sure whether he remembers Shikamaru and Chōji. Ino he remembers. She tried to molest him in a locker room in grade ten.”

Hinata stumbled and almost crashed with the box in her hands, but Naruto was faster, grabbing onto her elbow and yanking her up.

“Hey, careful, there. You should let me carry that damn box, Hina.”

“N-No, it’s okay.”

Why wasn’t it all that difficult to imagine Ino trying to unzip a man’s pants with her teeth?! Not that she was loose, she wasn’t. But when she wanted something she went all out to get it. Hinata had seen her hunt men. It had been highly traumatizing.

“So, you coming?”

Well, she couldn’t exactly say no, could she? It would be impolite for her to not come. Then again, she doubted Sasuke Uchiha would care or even remember her. He wouldn’t appreciate either. He wasn’t exactly very social for what she remembered. How Sasuke and Naruto became best friends in the first place was beyond her. They must have bonded over the insults they threw to each other’s head ever since she knew them.

“W-Well, I guess.”

Naruto grinned down at her and she was left dazzled. That huge smile of his still made her swoon. But in an agreeable manner. It wasn’t about the craziness, the passion, the infatuation anymore. She was happily over Naruto. But their breakup, and what had preceded it, had shattered her to pieces. That’s about the time she had met up with Kiba and Shino.

She had been walking around, crying. It had taken all of her self-restraint not to make a scene when she had caught Naruto and Sakura making out. It had taken all of her composure to excuse herself from their presence and disappear. And of course, all the pent-up sadness had had to get out eventually.

So Hinata had been walking around, a real wreck. And obviously, not looking where she was going, she had had to bump into someone, step back and fall on her bum. It had been Kiba. She still remembered the way he had started picking up her books and apologizing. He had begged her not to cry, that he was sorry, while Shino had looked down at them. And she had just started wailing harder then. Count on good ol’ Kiba freaking out and picking her up alongside her books.

All in all, she had ended up seated in a Starbucks, with a white chocolate cappuccino and macaroons in front of her, spilling her heart out to two guys she had never met. Extra-stuttering included. In the end, she had realized they were her classmates. They took CellBio together. And the two of them had started giving her guy-advice. 

She still remembered Kiba all self-important telling her that the best thing was to do as if she wasn’t touched at all by what happened. That way she wouldn’t say or do something that she’d regret later on. Plus, the less she cared, the less people would talk about it. Kinda fake it till you make it, he had said. She just had to convince herself she didn’t care that much and eventually, in a few months she would really stop caring.

Shino had added that she should pick up a new hobby, do something that would occupy her. That’s how she had started going around with Shino, catching butterflies. They had made so many fieldtrips on weekends, with Kiba’s dog Akamaru running around in the fields. And she had also started volunteering in an animal shelter with Kiba. She needed to volunteer for med-school anyways. She had learnt plenty of useful stuff. 

Her wailing in public had gotten her two friends. Her two best friends forever. It had just clicked between them. And sometimes, she told herself that had Naruto not cheated on her, she would’ve never met Kiba and Shino. If that had been the price to pay, it had been worth it.

After that, Kiba and Shino had met Naruto and Sakura, and it had kinda worked out between them as well. And made it possible for Hinata to rekindle with the two of them. They moved on. And Kiba and Shino moved in, Akamaru included. Sakura and Naruto had a four-bedroom apartment that was starting to be a little expensive without Sasuke; none of them was allergic to dogs, so y’know, a good deal. She could thank Shino and Kiba for her being able to talk so naturally to Naruto.

“Hina, you listenin’?”

Hinata unlocked a door on the third floor and pushed it open with her butt. Naruto entered and grabbed onto the handle of what seemed like an enormous cryogenic incubator. It was just a minus eighty freezer, for crying out loud. Opening the thing, he extended a hand for Hinata to pass him the samples that he arranged on the appropriate shelve.

“I was asking whether you would mind cooking something. Y’know Sakura and Ino would end up putting horse sedative in the food it so they could rape Sasuke. And I can’t cook to save my life. Chōji will help, he just can’t cook everything. And Shikamaru is too lazy to do anything besides complain anyways. Kiba, Shino and Sai don’t know, don’t owe Sasuke … And honestly, I kinda wouldn’t trust Sai with an oven.”

She giggled. Yes, the bunch of them would most probably starve if it weren’t for Chōji. And she admitted that end-of-months were her responsibility. She brought food over almost daily during a whole week. And fed Kiba and Shino under the table when the need arose. Lucky her roommate Tenten had been very understanding and hadn’t minded them inviting themselves to dinner. But now that Tenten had moved out to go live with her boyfriend, Lee … Hinata sighed. Felt damn lonely.

“Sure, N-Naruto. We’ll make s-something nice for S-Sasuke.”

Closing the freezer, they made it back to the lab, got rid of the dry ice and their lab coats and headed for the apartment. With Naruto chaffing Hinata, of course.

…

Whenever Hinata stepped into “Naruto’s” apartment (it wasn’t exactly his since he had seven roommates or squatters, if you’d rather), she had the impression she’d just entered a warzone. Not so much because of the mess. The place was strangely clean. Had mostly to do with Kiba being a clean-freak. You couldn’t do otherwise with a dog around. He always freaked out about Akamaru walking on something sharp, lapping some beer or eating something poisonous for him. Hence, you could see Kiba cleaning the living room regularly. 

Count on Ino to take care of the washroom. There was no way she would ever put her royal butt on a filthy toilet. Or permit for slime to grow on the shower curtains. Chōji was obsessed with the kitchen. It was a holy place where divine deliciousness was born. It sparkled. Which left Sakura to take care of the room she shared with Ino, Shikamaru to pass the broom in the room he and Chōji squatted and Shino to keep his and Kiba’s room clean. Sai and Naruto had shared a room for some time. But for whatever reason, Naruto had moved out and went to sleep on the couch. So he took care of the hallways and the balcony.

It looked like a warzone because war broke out all the time. Peace treaties were signed from time to time. It was all very political. Kiba and Shino stuck to each other. So did Chōji and Shikamaru. If they had issues with one another, they took care of it behind closed doors and always attacked in pairs. But Sakura, Ino and Naruto passed alliances that they broke, battled on two fronts at the same time, etc. And Sai … Well, Sai was Switzerland. 

However, that very evening, it seemed that a peace treaty had been passed and besides Kiba screaming at Shikamaru while they played some of their dumb games on Shino’s Xbox (or was it a Playstation, Hinata had no clue), everything seemed to be calm. As Naruto and herself made their way into the living room they were welcomed by the whole crew, or almost. Akamaru immediately jumped on Hinata and started sniffing up between her legs.

“Akamaru, s-sit.”

“Someone’s damn happy to see ya, Hina. By the way, I freed the room so you and Shino can work. Shikamaru, you cocksucking asshole, that was filthy. You’re gonna pay for this, dude.”

“Threats, Inuzuka? Troublesome. Especially since you never realize them.”

Chōji was seated on the floor, waiting for his turn and simply waved at Hinata. He was too eager to see Shikamaru kick Kiba to the curb to ask her how to make pie crust flaky. He never got it right. Ino was seated on their crummy couch, her naked feet obliviously massaging Sai’s thigh while she read Cosmo.

“Hey there, Hina, babe. Been a while we haven’t delved into your sexual subconscious. I’ve learned a new approach and we’ll have to try it out on you.”

“Ino!”

“Aww, look at you blushing. You look like a little strawberry.”

Why did Ino choose sexology?! Hinata didn’t know. What she did know was that she had become Ino’s favorite guinea pig when it came to practicing all the approaches she learned from her shady Profs. Raising his head from the book he was reading, Sai shot Hinata a sweet smile, ignoring Ino’s feet on his lap. 

Honestly, Hinata would’ve suggested for Ino to first analyze her and Sai’s weird relationship. Were the two dating?! Were they friends with benefits?! No one knew. They were perpetually glued to each other’s bum. No one had caught them having sex, or even making out. But Hinata had caught Ino modelling for Sai. It had all been very awkward since Ino had been minimally dressed and Sai had seemed pretty uninterested.

Naruto elbowed his way from behind and Hinata decided to move her butt before Ino had the great idea of doing some public sexologing. Three hours later, Shino was happy to announce they were finally done. 

Hinata hated programming and generally sucked at it. Thank God for geeky Shino that helped her study before midterms and always paired up with her during projects. He was a lifesaver. And unlike Kiba, he didn’t try to do the work for her; he let her struggle a little bit by herself. Kiba was overprotective, Shino over-lenient. Together, they would’ve made the perfect father.

The two of them decided to join the party before Kiba took her back to her apartment. Sakura, who had been cramming until then, chose the same moment to walk out of her room and they all found themselves seated on the living room floor. 

Nine people seated in a circle, chaffing, screaming, throwing pillows at each other, drinking beer. With a dog sniffing around. It was pretty chaotic. To Hinata’s great dislike, at some point Shikamaru chose to go fetch his pot. Count on Shika smoking a joint whenever Hinata was there. And count on everyone trying to force her to partake.

“Yo, Shino, roll us a joint. And don’t overdo it; the stash needs to last the week. Damn troublesome when I run out.”

As soon as the fumes started rolling around the room, Hinata started coughing and Akamaru wining. Standing up, Kiba slid the door to the balcony open and ushered the enormous dog out. Pot fumes weren’t animal friendly. Hinata did not have the chance to get locked out. She was stuck looking at Shika enjoying himself while her eyes prickled. Too bad Shikamaru wasn’t a selfish man, she would’ve preferred for him not to go about offering a puff to each person present. As soon as he was done, he passed the joint to Sai, who joyfully accepted it. 

“I haven’t had any since that time I smoked crack with some gang members in Brooklyn.”

Sai’s life experiences. However, before he had had the time to bring the thing to his lips, a pink slipper violently hit his head, making him cry out in pain.

“Ow!”

“Sai, you idiot! Pot lowers your cell count and makes for retarded sperm!”, Sakura screamed, a nerve popping on her forehead. 

Tearing the joint away, Chōji snickered under his breath.

“Retarded sperm? What else do you expect from Sai?!”

“At least I don’t have three layers of grease falling over my penis.”

Chōji that had taken a puff started coughing and wheezing. Unexpected comeback. Mostly because Sai had a point. Didn’t happen often.

“Oy, billboard-brow, why the fuck do you care about Sai’s sperm count?!”, Ino retorted, seeing red.

Uh oh. War was being declared. If Sakura had the bad idea of calling Ino–

“Shut up, pig. He donates sperm to my lab. I don’t need cells that swim in circles or play dead when I use them.”

“You mean he gives you sperm?!”

Turning her electric blue eyes to Sai, Ino glared at him. Grabbing onto the empty beer can she had been keeping between her legs, she hurled it at his head. It honestly wasn’t Sai’s evening.

“Ow!”

“So you go around spreading your seed and you never offered me any?!”

General silence. Awkward moment.

“Uhm. Should I have offered? I didn’t know you wanted my semen.”

“You fucking idiot! I have been pretty clear for the last few months. I thought you weren’t attracted to me! I was sure you were fucking gay!”

Well, he might have been. Gay people could donate sperm too.

“Oh, no, no. I think of you when I masturbate.”

Awkward cough from Shino. Naruto’s jaw dropped. Shikamaru muttered something that sounded like troublesome. Chōji simply passed Shino the joint. Ino for her part blushed crimson. Hinata still held the record; she was the color of a boiled lobster and started hyperventilating. Why wouldn’t the ground just open and swallow her up?!

“Well, do you want my sperm now?”

Sai felt a little sheepish. He would have offered had he known. He hadn’t meant to be impolite, or something.

“Yes!”

Jumping onto her feet, Ino ran to him, grabbed his shirt and hoisted him up.

“Let’s fucking go!”

Before they had the time to reach Ino’s room, Sakura ran after them.

“Ino, make him finish in a bottle. We’ll want that! And don’t forget to write the date and the time and to bring it back right away so I can go freeze it.”

Hinata would faint. Pulling on Kiba’s sleeve, she whispered:

“C-Can you t-take me home, p-please?”

“Yeah, let’s get the fuck out of here, Hina.”

x.x.x

Looking up at the dark sky, Sasuke let the fumes escape his lips. Bad habit he had picked up in France. He’d started smoking like a chimney. And he could bet he would do it even more now that he was back to the US. Fuck, man. He had only come back to the Big Apple for his last semester. Not that he didn’t like the place. Not that he didn’t like his friends. Just that he was a lone wolf. Europe, being an American and knowing no one had permitted for him to play it low-profile. 

Got a chance to fuck Western European chicks and shit. Made him laugh, all about the human rights. They shitted you about poor darling gypsies being mistreated in Eastern Europe or other BS and then went on proclaiming how Leopold II was a great guy and how colonialism helped Congo develop. Ten million Congolese killed by the asshole and then the Belgians plotting with the CIA to get rid of Patrice Lumumba. First democratically-elected Congolese president ever. Executed without the UN scratching its ass about it. All about human rights, sure.

Other funny shit with Western European chicks. When they say no, you better get your dick out of them. And it got them off big time, saying no in the middle of it. Had to do with them FEMEN bitches and their showing their boobs off to Baby Jesus or some shit. All in all, he was pretty happy to be back to the US. He was returning to England at the end of the summer anyways. Just for the prestige of attending grad school at Oxford, but until then New York it was for him.

As the cab pulled up in front of him, Sasuke threw his cigarette away and helped the driver with his luggage. Urgh. He could bet Naruto had organized a fucking party. Not that Sasuke had any friends, besides Naruto and Sakura, left in New York. And not that he wanted a party. Oh, for fuck’s sake. He should’ve just fucking graduated in England and stayed there. Funny how he’d changed his mind in thirty seconds.

As they drove away from JFK, he placed his forehead on the cool glass of the window and dozed off. He honestly didn’t know what he wanted anymore. But well, once he got off in front of the apartment building he used to live in; he had no other choice but to pull his shit up. He had expressly demanded that Naruto didn’t show his ass at the airport. He’d had enough of their Skyping and shit, he still remembered what the idiot looked like and he didn’t need a romantic scene with him anytime soon. Plus, he would’ve dragged Sakura along. Sasuke could bear Sakura in small doses, but she wasn’t exactly the first thing he wanted to see, coming back home.

Driving his suitcase over the third floor, Sasuke didn’t have to knock. As soon as he’d stopped in front of the right door, it had been thrown open and a yellow and orange blur jumped at his throat.

“Bastard, welcome back!”

What a great way to greet someone you hadn’t seen for two and a half years, eh? Being dragged in, Sasuke shuffled his feet less than enthusiastically. And he had been right to expect the worse. Before he had the time to step aside, Sakura was hanging around his neck and kissing him on both cheeks.

“Sasuke, I am so happy to see you! I missed you so much.”

“Tch.”

Doing his best to unfasten her arms from around his neck and to shrug off that other orangutan’s arm, Sasuke stepped into the living room to be welcomed by … a shitload of people he would’ve rather not seen. Some faces he recognized, some faces he didn’t. Shikamaru Nara and Chōji Akimichi stepped forward and offered him their hands. He shook them without bitching too much. Those guys and Sasuke had always been cool. They weren’t Naruto material. 

But seeing Ino in his apartment went a long way to make his balls shrivel. What the fuck was the bitch doing there?! Who’d invited her?! Naruto, that’s who. And who was the asshole on whose lap she was seated?! Like, what was this shit? An alternate universe?! Ino’s chew-toy tilted his head and gave Sasuke the creepiest smile he’d seen in a long while. The type of happy-go-lucky smile that suited a psycho.

“Hello there, Sasuke! Happy to meet you. Everyone speaks so much about you.”

What. The. Fuck?! And who were the other assholes on the couch? The black-haired chick rang a bell, but he would’ve remembered someone with such a great rack, really. She was pretty good-looking. Whatever, being attractive didn’t mean you could invite yourself to someone’s place.

“’Sup? I’m Kiba and this is Shino.”

Yeah, well he looked like a gym-addict with all those muscles. And why the fuck did his bud wear sunglasses inside?! The guy must’ve been a fucking gang-member. Only Naruto was retarded enough to invite a gang-member to his place. He caught the black-haired girl’s eyes. She blushed crimson. What? Chicks still blushed and shit? 

There was a lot of food placed on a coffee table and beer all around the place. Urgh. This was such BS. Sasuke simply shot Naruto a disgusted glare, didn’t go to the trouble of shaking hands with the unknown crew or Ino and headed out. He just wanted to go back to his old room, crash on his bed and sleep through this nightmare. Hopefully, by the next morning, they would all be gone. Taking the food and beer with them.

“Uhm, Sasuke …”

Naruto was following on his steps.

“I need to tell you something.”

Sasuke grabbed onto the knob to his door and opened it, stepping in … and being welcomed by a … cow?! A falabala horse?! A fucking alpaca?! He had no idea what the hell the thing was; just that it was giving him a new-age facial and that he wasn’t appreciating it. 

Grabbing onto its muzzle, Sasuke did its best to get rid of it and push it back inside. And when he stepped in, with Naruto and now Sakura joining him, he had something to see.

It was not his room. It was not his fucking room. There was a bed and a futon-sofa. Sasuke had never had a futon-sofa. The walls were covered in … dead insects. There were dead bugs in glass-cases all over the fucking walls. For fuck’s sake what the hell …

“Uhm. This is Shino and Kiba’s room now. But … uh, they won’t mind moving to Sai’s room and Sai and you can have this one, if you rather.”

Oy! Who the fuck was Sai?! And what the hell were Shino and Kiba doing, squatting Sasuke’s room. Ok. He would wake up. This was a nightmare; a wet nightmare taking in account Sasuke’s face was dripping with … animal saliva. He would wake up from it. He would wake up. He just had to keep calm.

“Surprise, Sasuke! We have roommates. You won’t imagine how low the rent has become. Ino and Sakura have the room at the end of the hallway. Shikamaru and Chōji took the one right beside the living room. Sai has the room in front of the washroom and I sleep on the living room couch. So … uh … welcome home.”

Walking out, Sasuke did as if he hadn’t seen anything. Fucking Naruto had not told him anything about this shithole for two years and a half. Sasuke had been really retarded to think he would come back to a nice, clean bed. There was a fucking … animal of sorts lying on his bed at the moment, and salivating all over it. 

He passed right beside the peanut gallery, not even wishing them a good evening. Actually, he was hungry. Turning around, he headed back for the table covered in food, grabbed two empanadas and went for the exit, recuperating his shit on the way out. Naruto ran a little after him, but the glare Sasuke shot him sent a clear message. Come after me and I’ll get rid of your balls for you.

“He doesn’t seem to be happy to see us”, Sai noticed, as perspicacious as always.

“He’ll be back, he’s just too excited”, Naruto added joyfully.

Ino shot Shikamaru a significant glance, passing her hand through Sai’s hair. Shikamaru rolled his eyes and mumbled something under his breath. Everyone knew what it was. Chōji snickered and Hinata hid between Shino and Kiba, doing her best to make herself as small as possible. She hoped Sasuke wouldn’t be back. 

On the staircase, between two bites of empanadas (homemade according to him, too good to be some industrial shit, Naruto learned to cook?!), he retrieved his phone, having already changed the SMS card inside of it, dialed a number and waited. It was late, he hoped he would answer. Thank God for Itachi being a workaholic.

“Sasuke, you’ve arrived in New York?”

“Hn. Got nowhere to stay.”

“Don’t you have a deal with your old roommates?”

“Not anymore. I need money. I’ll have to retrieve a little more than usual for the hotel room until I find a new place. So if you could unblock the account, I’d appreciate.”

A sigh on the other side of the line.

“I would have preferred for you to come down to Boston so we’d have a talk.”

Why the hell did Itachi want to talk?! Itachi and Sasuke had always been good and tight. They never talked. Since he didn’t drink, do drugs, had good marks and all that shit. Ok, he smoked, but Itachi didn’t know and wouldn’t care, since he himself drank like crazy. Sasuke didn’t remember the last time he’d seen his brother without a glass in his hand.

“Sasuke. You know I am your guarantor. I get a copy of your credit card statement every month.”

Yeah, so?! Sasuke barely ever used his damn credit card. He’d just taken one out before leaving for Europe, in case.

“I can see what you purchased with it.”

“So?”

“You have a problem, Sasuke. And now that you are back, I would like for you to address it and get help before you leave for Oxford.”

What the fuck?! Ok, Itachi must have been drunk. He never got drunk, he was an elegant alcoholic. He must have been high then. He’d graduated to needling?! Sasuke could imagine that working for the Uchiha & Sons law firm could be stressful. Sasuke wouldn’t judge if Madara had driven Itachi to become a drug-addict. Sniffing coke from a stripper’s anus?!

“Dude, the hell?”

“Sasuke, you’ve spent a significant amount of money on porn. Just because you haven’t taken out any credit, does not mean you do not have a problem.”

Oy! What the fuck?! Sasuke didn’t watch porn. Sasuke didn’t need porn. Whenever he wanted a … steamboat willy (ok, he admitted it, he didn’t watch porn, but he’d watched Prostitute Mickey on Youtube, whatever), there were volunteers lining up at his door.

“Dude, the fuck you’ve smoked?!”

“Do not try to change the subject by making this about me, Sasuke. I am looking at your Visa statement at the very moment. The first step to cure addiction is to admit you have a problem.”

Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Visa?! Yo, Sasuke had a MasterCard.

“I don’t have a Visa. I have a MasterCard.”

“You’ve taken a MasterCard out two and a half years ago. But you’ve had your Visa for four years. Don’t try to trick me, Sasuke.”

Visa. Visa?! Yes. He’d had a Visa a long while ago. But where the fuck was it?! Almost dropping his phone in the staircase, Sasuke started rummaging through his coat’s pockets. Grabbing onto his wallet, he looked for the Visa he had not seen for three years.

“Listen, Itachi. I never used a credit card for porn. I don’t even know where the card is.”

“Sasuke, I am sorry. I can’t have you flushing your future down the drain because of an addiction to porn. I’ll have to freeze the bank account until you accept the fact you have a problem. When you’ll be ready to ask for help, call me. Until then–”

That’s the moment Itachi chose to hang up. What. The Fuck. Just happened?! Credit card. Porn. Porn. Credit card. Letting the phone slide from his fingers, Sasuke grabbed onto his head and pulled at his hair. The shit was starting to get long. Ok. Breathe. Take another bite of empanadas. Aw, fuck Sasuke had left them on the ground. Whatever. He grabbed onto one and blew all over it, before stuffing his face. 

Like, Sasuke ate when he was stressed. And then he had to go to the gym and burn the calories. Unless he wanted to end up like Chōji Akimichi, that is. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. He would be stuck to get himself a part-time job. That he could do. But until he found a decent place to stay, he would have to go back and ask Naruto he let him stay in that shithole upstairs.

Naruto. Naruto?! Itachi had said no credit had been taken out to pay for the porn. Which meant someone was paying the credit card off. Sasuke had not paid the fucking credit card off. He usually just transferred money from his account to his MasterCard whenever he used it, which was rare as shit. The person that had his card not only didn’t want to drive Sasuke into a ditch, he also knew his password, account number and PIN. He made internet transactions. Naruto, you fucking piece of shit. Who else was desperate enough to need porn?!

Leaving his luggage, phone and empanadas on the stairs, Sasuke shot up and ran back to the apartment. Starting to pound on the door, he heard a known voice on the other side.

“I told you guys he would be back.”

As Naruto opened the door, he was welcomed by a punch to the face. Stepping into the apartment and kicking the door shut, Sasuke would have fallen to the ground and given Naruto the beating of his lifetime. Unfortunately, a giant with a goatee appeared in front of him and slammed his paw onto his pectorals, pushing Sasuke against the door. What was the dude’s name again? Kino?! Shiba?! Whatever.

“Yo, bastard, what the fuck is your problem?!”

Sakura ran to Naruto and did her best to hoist him up.

“Sasuke, what happened?!”

He hated her shrill voice, made his fucking balls shrivel. Sasuke was pissed. And that gorilla that was maintaining him against the door better get his paws off of him if he wanted to live. Then again, the guy would most probably be able to break Sasuke’s wrist with two fingers. Urgh.

“You fucking idiot. You stole my credit card. And used it to buy porn!”

“I didn’t steal it. You left it behind when you went to France.”

“How the fuck do you know my net account password and PIN, you fucking dumbass?!”

“I know everything about you, Sasuke.”

Ok. The situation was becoming real creepy.

…

“Damn”, goatee-guy whispered.

“That sucks dicks, my man.”

Sasuke shot him a glare. No shit, asshole?! Seated on the ground by Shikamaru, he had the asshole blowing pot-smoke into his eyes. Sasuke didn’t smoke pot. He liked his brain functional, thanks.

“Well, you just stay with us. Look for a part-time job. But even if you don’t want to work, it’s cool. The rent is so low, no one will care. Right, guys?”

He would kill Naruto. He would fucking kill Naruto.

“And Sai won’t mind sharing the room, right?”

“No problem. As long as he doesn’t mind. You ran away.”

“I fucking ran away because you were jerking off while I was there, you fucktard! Plans of giving him a complex.”

“I was just doing my job. And you mean: plans of giving him a huge complex.”

“You don’t do it when someone else is present.”

Ino chose that moment to meddle.

“He doesn’t jerk off anymore. I’m taking care of it. Sasuke doesn’t need to be scared. Sai is cured from hairy palms.”

Naruto narrowed his eyes at her.

“No sex when someone else is present either.”

“He can join us, I don’t mind.”

Ino turned her eyes to Sai and her jaw dropped. Then she shot Sasuke a long look.

“I don’t mind either”, she concluded.

Ok. No. Nuh uh. No fucking way. That look Ino just shot him said it all. Sasuke would not fucking share his room. With anyone.

“I am not going to fucking share a room. You didn’t tell me anything about fucking roommates.”

“Aw. Come on, Sasuke, don’t be a dick. It’s fun.”

Fun?! Fun having to share your bathroom with eight other people?! Fun having to bear Shikamaru’s pot-fumes?! Fucking fun having to sleep in the same room as a guy that jerks off in public. Like, fuck! 

What was wrong with Naruto?! Sasuke barely leaves him for two and a half years, and he becomes even dumber than before. Was that even humanly possible?! Naruto wasn’t human, Sasuke could guarantee.

The sunglasses-guy spoke slowly, in his deep, calm voice.

“Since Hina’s roommate moved out, Kiba and I could move in with her and liberate a room. If she doesn’t mind.”

“Yeah, we could do that. That way I’ll stop calling you every fifteen minutes to make sure you’re alright”, the goatee-guy agreed, looking down at the black-haired chick.

Hina? Hinata?! As in, Naruto’s girlfriend?! Well, ex-girlfriend, right? Sasuke didn’t remember what shit had gone down between the two of them, but he was pretty sure Naruto had called him at like two a.m. in Paris to bitch’n’moan about their breakup. 

Wait, Naruto’s ex hadn’t been hot. She’d always been dressed in some ugly-ass hoody and sweats. Not in jeans and a black shirt. A black shirt that showed off the curves of her breasts. Slapping his inner manwhore, Sasuke rubbed at his chin. If he had a room for himself, this god-awful situation would be more bearable, granted.

“Uhm … I am s-sorry. B-But … w-well. D-Dogs are not allowed in m-my building.”

Oh. So the hairy cow that had assaulted Sasuke had been a dog.

“Oy, no way. I fucking love you, Hina, you’re like my little sister. But there is no fucking way I leave Akamaru behind. I don’t know the guy, I don’t owe the guy.”

Goatee shot Sasuke a disgusted glare. As if he’d just run his alpaca over with a Porsche. Not that Sasuke had a Porsche. Itachi did, but he usually didn’t drive it. Y’know, alcohol in the system and shit.

“Why doesn’t Sasuke move in with Hinata? She is nice and calm. And she has nice, big breasts too.”

Cue to everyone, Sakura and Ino included, turning their eyes towards Hinata’s breasts. The poor girl yelped and shielded them with her arms.

“Sai, asshole, don’t make me break your dick for you.”

“You can’t break it, Kiba. My dick doesn’t have a bone.”

“Let me give it a shot.”

“Calm down, Kiba. Sai is right. Hina does have gorgeous breasts.”

“Oy, Ino. Shut up! And don’t look at her that way. She ain’t gonna take part in a threesome with the two of you.”

Hyperventilating, Naruto’s ex tried to say something. Failed miserably. Tried again. Yeah, Sasuke really hoped she was calm. Because it wasn’t worth talking, if she hyperventilated at each attempt.

“I-I-I …”

Sasuke examined her from head to toe. For what he remembered, she had always been shy. Not very talkative. Didn’t look like the type to bring back big bikers full of sperm. Didn’t seem to be a junkie either. She was his only chance. He would simply not call Itachi and admit he had a problem he didn’t have. Sasuke’s pride had no price tag. 

Turning a determinate glare her way, Sasuke motioned with his chin towards the door.

“Let’s go.”

“No way that asshole is ever gonna move in with Hina. Over my cold, dead body.”

…

That’s how Sasuke had moved in with Hinata Hyūga. And Kiba Inuzuka was still alive. Even if sore about the whole shit. Hinata Hyūga … Itachi was her father’s lawyer. And the apartment they were sharing was her property. There was no rent attached to it. Her pops had just bought it for her and her younger sister that would take it over in a year or so. They were a NYU legacy or some shit like that. 

In other words, Sasuke was left to pay cable, internet, water and electricity. A real bargain, for fuck’s sake. Just that he hadn’t even had the money to pay himself a hotdog, let alone a complete meal. But of course, he had had to find a way to make some money. 

One, because he couldn’t very well mooch off of the chick. She was just so … defenseless. It would’ve been like stealing a fucking lollipop from a baby. Two, because he needed money for transit anyways. Three, because he would never give Itachi the pleasure of seeing him beg. Never, ever. Just that, fuck, he couldn’t find anything that fitted his schedule. He had to graduate. Grad school on the other side of the planet, in that colonialist, imperialistic hole that was England, awaited. 

“Yo, bastard. You fucking listenin’?

Of course he wasn’t! Sasuke never really listened when Naruto talked. Why the hell did they have a break at the same time?! And why did Naruto have to follow him every-fucking-where now that he was back. Ok, Sasuke admitted it. He had missed the idiot as well. He had missed him like shit. Had Naruto not used his credit card and made him homeless, he would have forgiven the apartment and the roommates.

“No”, Sasuke answered truthfully.

Naruto rolled his eyes. Why was he even trying to help the bastard?!

“I was saying that, since you didn’t find a job, I might have something for you.”

“No thanks.”

“Come on, hear me out. But keep it a secret, if Kiba and Sai catch me, they’ll cut my dick off.”

Rolling his eyes, Sasuke could not refrain from leaning forward and listening. Well, ok. He was fucking desperate. To the point of relying on Naruto for help. Hadn’t he lately learned his lesson?!

“So, how about making one hundred bucks per week?”

Well, it wasn’t much. But four hundred per months would cover water, electricity, cable and internet. It would be tight, but it would work. As for transit, well fuck him, he was waking up two hours early to walk to college. He would just have to keep up with the regime.

“Or more?”

Now they were talking.

“It’s an easy job too. You’d be freelance.”

“Just tell me what the fucking job is.”

Naruto leaned back, grinning proudly down at Sasuke. Fuck the idiot, honestly.

“Sperm donating. Twenty bucks the sample.”

“Hey Kiba, Naruto wants to make Sasuke join the Sperm-Donor Fraternity.”

Oy! How the fuck had Sai appeared behind Naruto without them noticing him?! And what the fuck was he doing at NYU?! He went to an arts academy on the other side of the fucking city. Why the hell did he have to scream in the middle of the cafeteria, too?! The guy was socially retarded. It was beyond Sasuke how someone like that could even exist.

“Not under ten bottles per week, he won’t!”

And of course, count on Kiba Inuzuka to join in. And scream from the other side of the cafeteria at them. The two of them didn’t care much for the looks they were getting. Kiba had no shame and Sai didn’t even go to NYU. Sasuke however wanted to find a rope and hang himself somewhere. After having murdered Kiba and Sai. And Naruto.

“Aww fuck.”

Aptly said, Naruto, you fucking idiot. In no time, the asshole was being squeezed between Sai and Kiba. Kiba shot Sasuke his trademark glare. The guy didn’t like him. Kiba had some type of sister-complex and babied Hinata. Sai just creepily smiled at him. The asshole was so fucked up. No wonder he was the only dude that could bear Ino more than five minutes in a row.

“Guys. He would not join anything. He would be freelance. For every bottle he makes, I just recuperate his money and hand it over. Y’know, he can’t mooch off of poor Hina.”

Naruto used the magic word. Look at Kiba becoming putty and growling. He had no other choice but to accept. ‘Cause no one should ever mooch off of poor Hina. Kiba had debated for the longest time whether he shouldn’t just punch Naruto for the form. Because of what he had done to Hinata. He had kinda decided against. But he kept it as an excuse if ever Naruto pissed him off too much.

“I won’t do it–”

“I’ll bring over some porn for you”, Kiba interrupted him.

“I’m having dinner at your place anyways.”

“No fair, why do you always get invited and I never.”

“Because I wasn’t the asshole that cheated on my girlfriend with her best friend.”

Oh, so that’s what had happened! Sasuke felt kinda queasy. Naruto was fucking dumb, that much had been proven already. Just that it felt really sleazy, cheating on a girl like Hyūga. He’d noticed she wasn’t like other chicks. She didn’t throw herself at a guy’s head, or shit. 

And ok, Sasuke admitted his ego was kinda sore she didn’t seem to pay him any special attention. He was a bitch-magnet for fuck’s sake. Didn’t work on Hinata Hyūga. Plus, for the three weeks he’d been squatting her place, she had been avoiding him big time.

“I won’t–”

“Why don’t we all just go over and make a porn party and do it together!”

The fucking record scratched. Kiba and Naruto’s eyes got immediately redirected to Sai. Like, there were limits to being socially fucked up. Even Sasuke couldn’t believe what the fucker had just said.

“Sai … no …”, Naruto mouthed.

An awkward cough coming from Kiba. Sasuke chose the moment of silence to reiterate his resolution.

“I won’t fucking donate my sperm.”

Sai leaned in, tilting his head to the side.

“Don’t be scared if you don’t know how to do it. I’ll show you. I didn’t know either. And Kiba didn’t want to help me. He just told me to google it. It wasn’t very informative but I eventually got the hang of it. Isn’t all that difficult.”

Sasuke sighed and stood up. No. He couldn’t. He simply couldn’t remain longer than fifteen minutes with the fucking bunch of them. Sai made his balls shrivel. Kiba was a pain in the ass. But Naruto got the trophy for most annoying piece of shit there was on earth. Fuck him. Had it not been for Naruto, Sauske would’ve never ended up in that very peculiar situation of his.

Lost in his thoughts, he didn’t hear Naruto running after him. It is only when the orangutan swung his arm over his shoulders that Sasuke realized he was there.

“So, bastard. How is it, living with Hinata? She has a nice place, eh?”

Yeah. The place was clean and simple. No ugly chick-shit. Then again, Sasuke hadn’t been in her room. But whatever.

“Tch.”

He tried to shrug the arm off. But Naruto wouldn’t have it that way.

“And Hina is sweet, eh?”

Sweet. Hinata Hyūga was sweet. Yes. And it was becoming problematic. But there was no fucking way he would tell Naruto of all people about the shit it was living with a girl that avoided you. Sasuke Uchiha was a bitch-magnet; just that Hinata Hyūga wasn’t exactly a bitch.

Ok. Naruto admitted it. He kinda wanted to play cupid between the two of them. For a few reasons, most of them selfish. 

One, because he had screwed Sasuke over with the credit card. And Hinata would be such a great cure to his pain in the ass. Two, because he had screwed Hinata over with the cheating. And Sasuke didn’t talk much, was calm by nature and would make a great boyfriend to Hinata. Besides the fact he wanted to move away to England, detail. Three, he wanted Sasuke away from Sakura. Well, yeah, what did you want him to tell you?!

“You’ve seen her in nothing but a towel yet?”

Grabbing onto Naruto’s arm, Sasuke jerked it off and made his way outside. He needed a fucking smoke. Sitting onto a bench and throwing his head back, he shivered, doing his best not to think of Hinata.

Fact was, he had moved in. The apartment had been fucking clean. The room she had offered him, kinda under coercion, had been perfect. A table, a nightstand, a bed. Very military. To his liking. Kiba had screamed a lot, threatened and all that shit. Naruto had insisted. Sakura had bitched. Ino had triumphed. Chōji and Shikamaru had not cared one fucking bit. Shino had simply told him Hinata was scared to live alone and that he should check the locks before going to sleep every evening.

Just that she was hot. And Sasuke was a man. He remembered that barely six days ago, he had walked out of his room. Went directly to the kitchen. It had been a Saturday and he had slept it. His only goal in life for the next four months was to complete his degree; the following four months would be spent preparing for England. He wasn’t about the binge-drinking and shit. He had slept in because he had studied.

And whom had he met in the kitchen?! Hinata of course. Which wasn’t fucking weird, it was her goddamn apartment. They even ate together sometimes. Just that usually, Sasuke relied on Naruto to feed him. Why? Hadn’t it been for Naruto and his porn (that he most probably used for his sperm-donation business), Sasuke wouldn’t be hoboing his way through life at the moment.

But that morning, he had gone to the kitchen to see whether Hinata could spare him some shit. And she had been there, leaning onto the kitchen counter. Eating strawberries. Dressed in a long, silky nightgown. Trust Hinata not to be the type to be prancing around in nothing but a t-shirt and socks.

He had had a hard-on. Yes. Ok. Sasuke was a fucking pervert. But here you had this girl with a damn enticing cleavage and a killer backside (or if you rather, huge boobs and a great ass) leaning onto a kitchen counter. Biting onto strawberries. Licking her lips. 

You had two types of girls. The girls you fucked. There was nothing sensual about fucking. You get in, you get out, you shoot your load and you’re done. You try to give the girl an orgasm so you feel less sleazy about it. And the girls you savor. Those were the dangerous ones. Those ones you wanted to know. It took way more than one night for that. Then you got attached. And then you asked her to marry you. From that day on, you are stuck with her for the rest of your life. And you love it. And reproduce massively.

He had to fucking keep away from Hinata Hyūga. Not the type of girl you fucked and threw away. But he had stood there like a fucking idiot, staring at Hinata eating cocksucking strawberries. As soon as she’d noticed him, she straightened up, blushed, fidgeted with her fingers. Been the cutest, smallest thing he’d ever seen. Like a cuddly kitten. Sasuke wasn’t into cuddly shit. At least he’d thought he wasn’t until he’d seen her grab onto the bowl of strawberries, shove it into his hands and run away to her room.

Since that day, Sasuke jerked off in the shower. He couldn’t bring back girls to fuck. He didn’t have the time to pick up bitches and force them to take him to their place. So he was stuck jerking off in the shower. Being a fucking sleazebag and thinking about his roommate. A roommate whose place he squatted. 

…

“Hey, Hina.”

Kiba threw his arms around her lithe form and brought her in, resting his chin on top of her head. She giggled, trying to step aside so Shino could come in.

“We’ve come to be fed”, he mentioned, elbowing Kiba.

Akamaru wagged his tail, trying to push past their little assembly.

“Hope you aren’t going to get in trouble with us bringing Akamaru over from time to time.”

“Well, t-they can’t really f-forbid for my guests to b-bring their dog over f-for a visit.”

“Where’s the fucker? I got some shit for him.”

And Kiba disappeared in the hallway, leaving Hinata, Shino and Akamaru to get the damn food ready. Without knocking, he just stepped into Sasuke’s room and threw a plastic bag onto his bed. Turning around, Sasuke almost barked at him to get out. But refrained. He rather not get on their bad side, since he might go and beg for some pity food later during the evening.

“Some porn and bottles for you. Don’t worry. Nothing bought with your credit card. By the way, you should recuperate the shit. I mean, Naruto might think that now that the damage is done …”

Couldn’t the fucker shut up?! Like, where was the off button on the thing.

“Just bring your samples over when you’re done. Or give them to Hina directly, she’s the one working with them anyways.”

Cue to Sasuke’s jaw dropping. Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Hinata would be … using … his sperm?! If he ever decided he was so desperate for money he was willing to donate that is. He was still looking for an alternative.

“Oh, you didn’t know?”

Kiba grinned at him mockingly.

“Listen, Uchiha. She’s too good for you. You think I haven’t noticed how you sniff her up? Back off, my man. I think your bro’ Naruto transformed her into a lesbian anyways. Who would blame the poor girl?!”

“What the fuck does she do with the sperm?!”

Lesbian. Sperm donation. Like, for all he knew …

“She doesn’t use it for that, don’t worry. Does some shit around sperm quantification for medical purposes.”

Scratching his goatee, Kiba shot a look at Sasuke’s computer. That dude honestly needed some action as well. He spent too much time writing about … international diplomacy, whatever that shit meant. But honestly, Kiba didn’t care about whether he got some or not. As long as it wasn’t with Hinata.

Three hours later, Sasuke walked out of his bedroom to be welcomed by utter and total silence. Hinata was sitting on the couch, typing something on her laptop. As he appeared behind her, she threw her head back and smiled at him.

“Sorry about t-this. I hope they d-didn’t d-disturb you while you were studying.”

“I’ll move out as soon as I can.”

She misunderstood and curled up. She didn’t mind Sasuke. Actually, he kinda grew on her. Like a pet. He was something like a cat. Not all that affectionate. But his presence was reassuring. And he was clean and polite. Cleaned his own litterbox too. 

“Uhm, t-there are some leftovers. I d-don’t know whether you are hungry. I w-wouldn’t want to throw t-them away, you know.”

Cue to Sasuke’s inner hobo rejoicing. And off he was, heading to the kitchen. Hinata let a shaky breath escape her. Sasuke Uchiha. She had met Itachi Uchiha. The type of elegant, good-looking, well-raised older guy. He was after all her father’s lawyer. Only the best for Hiashi. And Sasuke had something of Itachi. Just that he also had that rugged bad-boy side. In other words, he was the complete, perfect and total opposite of Naruto.

And he was coming back from the kitchen with a plate full of arugula-prosciutto wrapped breadsticks, sausage-stuffed mushrooms, ham and cheese muffin rolls and other absolutely orgamiscally delicious homemade food. Hinata was a genius. An artist. She was God’s gift to humanity. Shooting a glance at her extended legs, Sasuke raised his eyebrow at her. She immediately blushed and pulled her legs up.

All happy to finally be fed, Sasuke parked his ass on the couch and dug in. Feeling like a fucking douchebag and an asshole for eating the food she had paid with her own money. Well, her father’s, whatever. But he was so fucking hungry. He had to start paying, here. Because he was becoming a sugar baby. If they were at least having sex–

“I found a job. So, y’know …”

“R-Really? That is g-great.”

The smile she just shot him! Dear Lord. Sasuke honestly needed to move the fuck out. Before he did something fucking stupid. I mean, the chick had been crazy enough to go out with Naruto. Not the type of girl Sasuke needed. Why the fuck had she–

“Why did you ever go out with Naruto?” 

Ok, Sasuke. Take your fucking food. Stand up. Go away. Go away. Go away. 

Why was he asking her that?! Of all the things Sasuke could have asked her. Well, what did he want her to tell him?! Naruto had been funny, loud and had ignored her for a very long period of time. She had confessed to him twice, he had not understood it. And then, out of the blue, in grade eleven, had asked her out. 

He had starved her and then thrown her a few scraps of affection. And she had wagged her tail at him like a good doggy. Urgh, she disgusted herself. But Naruto wasn’t a bad guy. It hadn’t been his problem or his fault. Hinata had been the dependent one. It had all to go back to her father and their strained relationship.

“Uhm, t-that job of yours. W-What is it?”

Yeah. She was more intelligent than him. Better put a healthy distance between them. Placing his plate on the coffee table, he felt up his pockets and sighed in relief when he sensed his pack of cigarettes and lighter.

“Just some freelance shit.”

Standing up, he went for the balcony. It is only when a gust of fresh air hit his face that he could relax. This girl was driving him nuts and they’ve barely been living together for three weeks. He honestly had to find a way to have some sex. Bitches were already crowding him. He should be able to have a fast bang, maybe on campus. Some sorority chick, the type that came fast and forgot just as fast.

And of course, Hinata chose to follow him onto the balcony. Dressed in that flimsy shirt of hers. She would be cold. Blowing the smoke into the air, he shot a look at the small girl standing beside him. She was crimson red and fidgeting with her fingers. He made her fucking uncomfortable. He would move out. Sasuke honestly would. As soon as he could.

“Uhm, h-he was funny and h-he always smiled. And I … w-well, you know. W-When you are young, you idealize p-people. Which is unfair, r-really. By idealizing, it is as if y-you don’t w-want to see the p-person in front of you. You don’t acknowledge t-them. You j-just care about your fantasy.”

Fucking A. Sasuke honestly needed to stop talking to the girl. Because, unlike all the chicks he met up with, she made sense. Like, what she was saying about idealizing people was true. Infatuation. She had been infatuated with Naruto. It hadn’t really been about him. It had been about her and her needs. Happened to the best of people to act on infatuation.

Taking another puff, Sasuke realized his whole fucking life had been about him and shit. He hadn’t really cared for people around him. He had been infatuated. With himself. And now, he was planning on making his miserable existence about jerking off for money. So he could pay off a chick that raised his inner manwhore from the dead. 

…

Sasuke started donating sperm. And no, he had not needed Sai’s help. The chemistry between his righty and his dick had been more than enough. And he had not needed the fucking porn that stood on his table, by his laptop. Why?! Because his relationship with Hinata had become sexually strained to the point he didn’t even need to use his fucking hand. 

It was getting the best of him. How the fuck did you live with an attractive woman?! It was humanly impossible. The only two things he thought about were his studies and Hinata. Hinata and his studies. He had walked into a door that very morning. And it had taken him five fucking minutes to realize what the hell had happened. He was about to lose his mind.

He wanted a shower? He had to brace himself to be surrounded by Hinata’s smell. He wanted to rummage through the fridge he had started to fill with his own money? He had to expect to find her leaning on the kitchen counter. He wanted to park his ass on the couch? She would be there, rolled up like a kitten, looking up at him with those pale eyes. Shooting him glances from under her long eyelashes.

You know you’re going crazy when you start noticing shit about a chick. Like the way her fucking hair curls when she gets out of the shower. The length of her eyelashes. The little veins on her temple. Urgh.

Grabbing the lid to the bottle, he screwed it on and wrote date and hour on the small tag on it. And another little piece of his pride for twenty bucks. Aw, fuck his life. Putting the shit into a plastic bag, he better hurry his ass. He had no idea what his sperm’s quality was, very honestly. It took him two hours to get it delivered and he had read on Wiki (well, Jesus, he had been curious about his own semen, ok?!) that his little wiggly cells were sensitive to temperature changes. Sure, he could’ve handed the shit over to Hinata and she would’ve taken care of it.

He also could’ve told her he thought about her when he jerked off. And that he wanted really badly to have sex with her. That would’ve sent their great relationship to hell honestly. Because after two months being stuck with each other, they kinda became friends. They were both really obsessed with their studies. She understood what it meant to need tranquility and silence and to have to write papers and shit. Hinata hadn’t called Kiba or Shino over the last week because Sasuke and her were cramming. That had been real thoughtful.

Plus, she didn’t mind it when Sasuke asked her to listen to him present his material. She didn’t understand a thing about international policies and shit, but she listened carefully. Sometimes asked him to clarify a part she saw he struggled with. The chick was pure gold. Like, no wonder a dickhead like Naruto had not known what to do with her. Sasuke might have been his best friend and all that, but the girl had been way too good for him. But what had truly made Sasuke take the decision he would not fuck over their budding   
friendship had been her knocking at his door at midnight with tea and cookies.

She had brought him tea and cocksucking cookies at midnight. Knowing full well he was cramming. And that he might have appreciated a snack. You see, desperate chicks did shit like that. They batted their fake-ass eyelashes at you, giggled and offered you tea and shit and tried to look like the perfect housewife or crap. Sakura would’ve done that. But then, you know they are trying to swindle you when they refuse to do the same for someone else. Hinata Hyūga wasn’t like that. She was nice to everyone. This was the type of shit Sasuke knew she had done for her previous roommate. He had seen her caring for a sick Kiba. Treating his fur-ball like a human being. Knitting a scarf for Shino. For fuck’s sake, she could bear Sai and Ino. Without faking interest. She was a saint, as simple as that.

And maybe was Sasuke a tidbit pissed about it. He would’ve liked for her to be doing special shit just for him. Because he was Sasuke. Not because she was sweet by nature. Urgh. Someone just kill him already.

Stepping out of his room, he got a glimpse of her heading out. No make-up. No ugly-shit, skimpy clothes. Simply different. She wasn’t New York enough. Not brand-crazed. Not arrogant. Not a money-hunter. Hinata was simply perfect.

“B-Bye”, she called out to him before running away.

She was lucky to catch her bus. Not that she wouldn’t get stuck in the traffic. She always did, reason why she always left forty-five minutes early. But she didn’t mind. She got time to think. Leaning into the cool window, she let her forehead rest on the surface. The only thing she regretted was that she mostly thought about Sasuke. She had let him move in because he was Naruto’s friend. And all of Naruto’s friends were nice people. And he was so particular. She couldn’t imagine him surviving with eight roommates. He was a little asocial, like herself. Hinata could understand the need for tranquility.

She had just not expected that they would become … friends. She really appreciated him as a person. And Sasuke didn’t take her for a dimwit. He told her about his studies, explained things to her. He didn’t talk much, but when he did, he was always serious, looking straight into her eyes. Never cut her off when she wanted to say something, either. And yet, she felt uncomfortable around him. In a strange, agreeable way. He made her hands tremble. And she blushed. She was always like that, ok. But this was different.

“Awfully pensive this morning, aren’t we?”, Ino murmured to Hinata’s ear.

Hinata jumped and turned around to see Ino seated by her. They usually did take the bus together. Just that she had been thinking so much about Sasuke Uchiha, that she hadn’t noticed they had arrived to Ino’s bus stop.

“I’ve been talking to you for the last five minutes. I wonder what you were thinking about.”

Ino always had that bad habit of getting into someone’s face. Hinata could feel Ino’s minty breath caressing her lips. Blue eyes twinkled at her. If there was one person that should better not know about her thoughts, it would be their national sexologist. 

“Or maybe, who you were thinking about. I bet I know.”

“I d-don’t get what you m-mean, Ino.”

Hinata did her best to smile. That was one shaky smile, right there. Adorable darling Hina knew very well what Ino meant. Put a guy and a chick, both hot, together in a room and look at what happens.

“So? Tell me, have you seen Sasuke in nothing but a towel yet?!”

Hinata blushed and squealed lightly.

“Ino. Of c-course n-not!”

“But you wouldn’t have minded! Who would have?! Sakura hates your guts now, that much we know. But it’s worth it, isn’t it? And come on, it’s pretty obvious. Kiba will need some psychotherapy to get over the fact you and Sasuke are about to get down and dirty.”

Ino shot her that know-it-all look, as if she knew a secret Hinata tried to hide. And Hinata honestly didn’t have a secret to hide. There was nothing between Sasuke and her. There honestly wasn’t anything.

“Ino, t-there is nothing b-between Sasuke and m-myself.”

“I never said there was something. I said that there will be something. Hina, I am a sexologist. I know the difference between something that has happened and something that is bound to happen. And let’s be frank, what better way to celebrate graduation than to lose your virginity with the hottest New York property at the moment.”

Lose your virginity?! Wait, wait. How did Ino–

“Oh, please, Hina! Let me repeat myself, I am a sexologist. I can sniff a virgin at a ten kilometer radius. I bet you haven’t even gotten to third base with Naruto”, Ino scoffed good-naturedly.

Cue to Hinata hyperventilating.

“I-I-I am n-n-not g-graduating this y-year …” 

“Whatever. Just remember the following: you can’t put life on hold. When the time comes, let inner-Hina roar like the lioness she is!”

She felt more like a newborn kitten at the moment.

“So, tell me. How does it feel to play with Sasuke’s semen?”

The horrified look Hinata shot her made Ino cough slightly. Fuck. Hinata hadn’t known that–

“Uhm, h-he doesn’t d-donate any … D-Does he?!”

“Well, according to Sai he does. And Naruto confirmed, so …”

So. Hinata had Sasuke in her apartment. And he masturbated. In her apartment. Potentially with her only a few meters away. Taking a shuddering breath, she found herself pressing her thighs together. This should have not been her reaction. Why was she … This was so wrong. So. Wrong.

Why hadn’t he told her?! What would she have done had Sasuke told her?! Fainted?! Or maybe … offered her help? No! Slapping her inner sex-crazed animal (yes, even virginal Hinata had one), she felt her pressure drop. Her head felt so heavy.

“Oy! Hinata, don’t faint on me! Hina … Hinata …” 

…

His dick hurt. Masturbation just really wasn’t his thing, especially when he was stuck doing it on specific days, a few times in a row. But there were things worse than having to jerk off for money. For example, that evening, Sasuke stepped into the apartment, greeted Hinata who was as per usual on the couch. As he appeared behind her, she squealed in horror, turning red like as red as a lobster. Sasuke was fucking allergic to seafood. And then, she started to hyperventilate. The fuck?! He’d thought they were past all the panicking. They had been pretty good for the last two weeks. Less of all that BFS, a.k.a blushing-fidgeting-stuttering. 

Before he had the time to ask Hinata what the hell was wrong with her, his phone rang. Hinata thanked God and ducked her head, doing her best to concentrate on her Transport Phenomena notes. As soon as he saw the caller ID, Sasuke had to answer. Itachi had cracked. Hah! He must have had a case of the guilts at the idea of Sasuke being homeless and giving blowjobs for a sandwich.

“Itachi.”

“It isn’t Itachi”, Madara snapped on the other side of the line.

“What are you doing, calling me from Itachi’s phone? What the hell do you want?”

Hinata tried to make herself as small as possible. A mad Sasuke. And again, the image that had plagued her for the whole day came back to mind. Sasuke masturbating only a few meters away from her. Maybe while she showered. She would die of shame. She was raping Sasuke’s intimacy in her head. A psycho. Hinata was become a psycho.

“Itachi had a car accident, he’s being taken care of at the moment.”

“What the hell?! He drove drunk?! Is he fucking alive?!”

“He’s alive. Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t know what state he’s in. I just arrived at the place. They told me to wait. And don’t talk to your uncle like that.”

Madara wasn’t his fucking uncle. Well, kinda. But no really. Whatever. Itachi. His brother, his only family was in the hospital. Because of a car wreck. For fuck’s sake. Before he even realized what he was saying, he promised Madara he would take a direct flight towards Boston.

Hanging up, he was welcomed back to reality by a pair of worried white eyes looking up at him. Hinata had completely forgotten that barely a few seconds ago, she had been thinking about how it felt to be playing around Sasuke’s semen. Someone was hurt?

Dialing another number, Sasuke massaged his eyes, doing his best not to cry like a pussy. His fucking brother had just been involved in a car crash. For fuck’s sake. And Madara, the asshole, sounded all cold and shit. As if he was telling Sasuke about a simple trip to the dentist. 

“Idiot. I need three hundred bucks. Itachi’s in the hospital and I gotta take a flight to Boston. Yeah, well I cancelled both my fucking credit cards. Kinda learned my lesson. Yeah. Yeah, I’ll wait.”

Barely two seconds after Sasuke had hanged up, Hinata’s phone, that had been lying on the coffee table, started to ring. She answered immediately, more out of reflex than anything else, still in shock.

“Hina, please, pretty please, lend me three hundred bucks. You’ll have the money back by the end of next week. I’ll work hard.”

“Three h-hundred dollars? Well, s-sure, I gue–”

Tearing her phone out of her hand, Sasuke almost threw it to the wall out of rage.

“I didn’t ask her for money, you shithead. I asked you!”

It all ended up with Hinata transferring three hundred dollars to Sasuke’s bank account and forcing him to take an extra three hundred in cash. Cab and hotel room, y’know.

“Uhm. W-Will you c-call when you g-get there?”

Standing in the doorway, Hinata shivered at the thought the nice Mr. Uchiha she had met on a few occasions could be in a critical state.

“Yes.”

“And w-will you c-call when you s-see him?”

“Yes.”

“And w-will you t-text often?”

Why did she care?! Looking down into her tear-filled eyes, Sasuke couldn’t very well say fuck no. The girl was just too nice. She was being taken advantage of. By Sasuke, who was being a real fucking dick. But he was too worried about Itachi to care at the moment. He would give her the money back. Plus, the extra three hundred she had shoved into his hands were completely unnecessary. He would stay at Itachi’s place anyways.

“If y-you need something y-you can call my father. I put his phone number in y-your pocket. Mr. Uchiha is h-his lawyer. H-He won’t m-mind helping.”

Mr. Uchiha?! Itachi would have had a boner just hearing himself be called Mr. Uchiha. Well, he would have had one were he still alive and not paraplegic. Ok, Sasuke was freaking out. And Sasuke was off, nodding one last time at Hinata. He just needed to get a flight for Boston, was all.

Closing the door behind him, Hinata decided she, for one, needed music. Whenever she was freaking out, she just put her earphones on her ears and listened to music. Classical mostly. Beethoven. He was just as much of a freak as she was herself. Going to her room, she turned her laptop on and looked for her earphones. That were nowhere to be found. Nowhere. Starting to panic, she rummaged through her bag, through the drawers of her desk, everywhere. And of course, there were nowhere. She had lost her sixth pair of earphones. She should just subscribe to Sony and ask them to send her earbuds each month. She had the bad habit of forgetting them everywhere. Bus. Lab. Classroom.

And she couldn’t listen to her music without earphones. She just couldn’t. The same stupid repulsion that made it impossible for her to watch movies on her laptop. She needed to watch them on the TV, for whatever reason. Sending all proprieties to hell, forgetting she had a roommate that would appreciate for her to respect his intimacy, Hinata decided she would go and see whether Sasuke had any earphones. She knew he hadn’t taken his computer with him. 

Stepping into his room, she turned the light on. He had been studying alright; there were papers all over the place. But Hinata headed directly towards the laptop on his table. Doing her best not to disturb his papers, with shaking hands, she looked for what could have been earphones. Finding nothing. She needed some fucking Beethoven. She would go crazy without it. In an abrupt movement, she disturbed a t-shirt that had been placed over what seemed to be books on the table. As the thing fell to the floor, Hinata realized it hadn’t been hiding books.

Snapping her head to the side immediately, she blushed deeply. Oh, Lord. Ino had been right. This is how it had started with Kiba too, she remembered acutely. In the beginning, he had hidden it from her. Whenever she had wanted to enter his room, he would’ve run in front of her, slammed the door in front of her nose and rummaged through things. Then only had she been allowed to enter. She had believed that he was maybe a little untidy. Everything but! He had been hiding his porn. According to Shino however, Kiba had the utter delicacy to not jerk off in the presence of people. Hence, no one really knew where he … uhm, worked.

And here was a stack of porn movies. In Sasuke’s room. Ino had been right. The only reason she could have ever imagined the very dignified Sasuke Uchiha to need porn would be for donating sperm. It wasn’t like he couldn’t have real sex. To Hinata’s greatest displeasure, she had met girls that would have thrown themselves in front of a New York cab for just a kiss from Sasuke. And anyways, what was so great about porn?! Why were men going crazy about it, to the point of ruining their friends! Naruto had used Sasuke’s credit card for it after all, and it had truly messed up his best friend’s life.

Sneaking a look at the first DVD on the stack, she felt her pressure drop. No. No! She would not watch any porn. She had never watched any, she would not start now. Hinata didn’t do drugs. Porn were drugs. You could develop an addiction! Curiosity killed the cat. And Hinata was very curious. She had never done any drugs. Well, ok. OK! She had maybe smoked one joint. But she had never done harder drugs. And she didn’t drink … She’d gotten drunk once. Yes, ok, she admitted it. She would always try at least once, just to see what it felt like. She was not a recidivist however.

Reaching out, she grabbed onto the DVD, damning herself and her curiosity to hell. But there weren’t any earphones. And she needed to do something not to freak out. Watch porn, why not?! You have to try everything at least once. Plus, it drove her nuts to watch anything on her laptop, she was psychotic like that. She was most probably the only idiot that would watch porn on her widescreen TV. Instead of hiding in a dark closet, like every pervert.

Game over. Hinata just made her way towards the living room, her legs trembling. The damn porn in her hand. Help her, Lord. She was fucked up. She’d always been wired the wrong way, she knew. Then again, it was the proper of every Hyūga to do crazy shit. Her sister was a taekwondo champion. Her cousin had gotten himself killed. Her father made companies collapse and sold their parts to the highest bidder. Hinata had been the sanest of the bunch. Stalking a guy during years until he asked her out. Definitely sane.

Pushing the disk into the DVD player, she sat on the ground bracing herself.

…

It honestly wasn’t Sasuke’s day. Arriving at the airport, he was told that two flights to Boston had already been cancelled for whatever reason. And that the next would be in two days. For fuck’s sake. In two days Itachi might have been dead. Nonetheless, he took a seat. Economy. He fucking hated travelling Economy. The asshole that had invented the class should’ve been sued.

Taking his phone out, he dialed Itachi’s number.

“Hey, Madara.”

“My name is still Itachi, Sasuke.”

Sasuke almost dropped his damn phone and went off running and screaming. So, the big bro’ was alive after all. And here you had had Sasuke panicking like a little bitch for nothing.

“Are you calling to admit you have a problem?”

“Dude! You had a car accident. Madara made it sound like you were potentially dead.”

“Stop trying to make this about me, Sasuke. But thank you for worrying, I have a broken clavicle and a sprained ankle.”

“Were you drunk while driving?!”

“You are trying to change the subject. And I certainly was not. I was in a cab. The other driver was drunk. I have the list of a few good therapists that could help you.”

“I don’t have a porn addiction”, Sasuke screamed in the middle of the airport, making happy families turn around and stare at him with open mouths.

“Dude, listen. I’ll be in Boston in two days. Gotta go now. I’m happy you are good … I guess.”

He would just go back to the apartment and sleep it through. Honestly, it was beyond him how Itachi could be such a fucking dick hours after having been involved in a car wreck. Calling a cab, Sasuke patiently waited, with a cigarette or three. He was juiced. Pissed. He knew he would end up doing something stupid by the end of the night. 

He was like that. Whenever he got fucked over, he ended up doing something absolutely ridiculous. And back in high school, his main sycophant had been Naruto. Good thing he’d moved out to Europe. The idea of what Naruto and him would’ve done had they stayed together freaked the shit out of Sasuke. 

They had wrecked Itachi’s car together back when they had been fourteen. Itachi’s first car. They had dyed Madara’s dog, Cerberus, a goddamn white German shepherd, in pink back in grade five. They had squirted compote into their first grade teacher’s cleavage. He should maybe call Naruto over, but he was worried they would end up wrecking Hinata’s apartment block. Setting it on fire or shit.

As he stepped out of the cab and threw some money at the driver, Sasuke decided he would head directly to the bathroom and take a scorching shower to tame the devil in him. But of course, count on the fact that when life decided to get shitty, it didn’t relent just like that. The worst was yet to come.

Unlocking the door, he was welcomed by the most horrible sounds he had heard. Someone was in the apartment. Cries, screams. All of that seemed very painful. Kicking the door shot, Sasuke ran to the living room. He should have never left Hinata alone! The girl must have had reasons why she was afraid to stay alone. Oh, fuck. He was ready to fight, if there was need … And of course, what was he welcomed by?!

For. Fuck’s. Sake. On Hinata’s widescreen TV. A dude … slamming into a girl from the back, while another one … Urgh. This was … and what was … Hinata seated on the ground in front of the TV, her hands shielding her eyes and doing her best to take in desperate breaths. Not even noticing Sasuke. Why the fuck was he getting hard?! 

Hm. Well, catching a hot chick watching porn … She was his roommate and friend. Friend?! They had only been living together for two months. But it fucking felt like they had known each other for their whole lifetime. Come on, that was BS. Plus, he had wanted to do her from day one. Yes, but that was before he had found out she was the nicest girl on earth. She might have been good in bed. You know what they say about the shy, nice ones.

Dropping his ass in front of the TV, he punched the stop button on the DVD player and just stayed there staring at Hinata. Oh, she knew he was back! That’s why she kept her hands over her face. This was the most horrible thing that could have happened. This was traumatic, mortifying. She would faint. Before her head hit the ground, Sasuke sneaked his arm under her shoulder-blades and brought her up.

“I-I-I-I … I am s-s-s-sorry. I w-w-was c-c-curi–”

Hinata didn’t have the time to explain why the hell she had gone to Sasuke’s room and stolen his shit. Because he swept her hands away from her face and brought her tight against him. Crushing his mouth to hers. Surprise made her gasp and the opening was enough for Sasuke to slip his tongue past her lips. 

The fact she did not know how to answer woke up the animal in Sasuke. When had been the last time he had met up with an inexperienced girl?! How about never?! What the hell had Naruto been doing with her, kept her caged behind a glass and stared at her?! She was decorative to say the least, but the way she kissed was not that of a girl that had had tens of guys passing over her body.

That should have been his first clue that he better pull the fuck away. But Sasuke was pissed. He was burning. He needed to rechannel all his rage into something. And Hinata was the perfect receptacle for all that energy. He should’ve fucking called Naruto after all.

His touch, his lips against hers, felt strangely familiar. As if she’d known him forever. Their tongues entangling made an electric current run down her spine. It was a desperate stroke, as if she had never been kissed before. His free hand came to rest on the back of her head, caressing her dark locks. Before she had the time to stop him, Sasuke toppled her over, so she was lying on the ground. And at once, the sadness of their kiss transformed into animalistic need as he redirected his attack to her throat.

Nipping, licking, sucking. Hinata had never felt something like that. With Naruto, it had always been so … awkward. With Sasuke it was perfect. She wanted to abandon herself to his care. As her hands buried themselves into his hair, Sasuke felt like the master of the world. Had there ever been a girl that had held onto him with more despair?! Clutched onto him in such a way?! Nope. They all touched him. But he was touched by none. Until now, at least. 

She threw her head back, her hair sliding on the floor. Her pink, pulp lips parted, letting a moan escaping. She demanded more. She wanted more. More of what?! She had no idea. She let her … inner lioness take over. Hungrily, Hinata grasped Sasuke’s sweater, pulling it up violently. Woah, ok. He got the message. Grabbing onto the shit, and whatever was underneath, he passed it over his head and threw it God-knew-where.

As she took his muscles in, Hinata blushed and turned her head to the side. Realizing for a split of a second what the hell was happening. She would have most probably pushed Sasuke off of her had he not brought his lips to her jaw, kissing the line of it. As his nose nuzzled her chin, Sasuke hoarsely commanded she touched him. And as if her body obeyed to no one but him, her hands shot out and traced the back of his neck, sliding over his spine.

She was so engrossed by the feel of his skin under her fingertips that she didn’t immediately feel the tentative pressure against her right breast. However, as Sasuke’s hand got more insistent, she had no other choice but to acknowledge each squeeze. Each caress of his hand through the fabric of her top pulled a string directly connected to her core.

Without being able to restrain it, a soft, small, unobtrusive whimper filtered through Hinata’s lips. That could have been enough to bring Sasuke over the edge. He almost convulsed at hearing it. It was not vulgar, obscene like the shit other girls had going on. It had been absolutely involuntary. The knowledge Hinata was battling her own desire had a way to reel him in tighter. It was the most erotic thing he had ever witnessed.

But, well, he needed her naked. Or else he would go crazy. Looking down at her, he realized there was something to be said about Victorian-style sleepwear. The simple, large white top and matching short khakis changed from the goddamn Victoria Secrets shit. The feel of the raw silk under his palm just made him want to explore the texture of Hinata’s skin more.

Passing his hands under the top, Sasuke felt the softness of her warm skin. The undulation of her stomach under his palm. His prying fingers that reached their destination fast enough. As his palms covered her breasts and he let a shuddering breath escape him, Hinata whimpered louder. She had zero control over her own body. 

Pushing her torso up, Hinata did her desperate best to deepen the touch. And Sasuke obliged, caressing her hardening nipples with his thumbs. It was too much for her to take, her breath became erratic, her head started rolling from one side to the other. Perfect moment to pull her up. She felt her point of gravity changing. And in no time, without her even being all that conscious, her top was being thrown away as if it were some very repulsive trash.

Sasuke’s lips took over, replacing his hands. Kneeling in front of him half naked, Hinata was defenseless to the attack of his mouth on her left nipple. In fact, the only thing she could do was throw her arms around his neck and bring him even closer, as she squealed in pleasure. She had no idea how long the delicious torture lasted, but she was eventually laid back on the cold floor. Thanks to Sasuke, her bottoms joined the top, wherever it had gone. Without much of a preamble, his lips reclaimed hers and his hands disappeared between her full thighs.

It didn’t take much. Some pressure. His long fingers caressing her through the white cotton of her soaked panties. She came violently, shuddering all over and crying out in surprise. Her eyes snapped open, staring at the ceiling light. Hinata couldn’t even take a breath. What the hell had just happened?! She had no idea, but it got her to open her thighs with no demand on Sasuke’s part.

Her violent orgasm should have been another clue for Sasuke to pull away and disappear from her life before he did something utterly stupid. However, his dick had taken over. And her reaction only made him want to bury himself into her. He’d just kissed his study-buddy goodbye. But Sasuke couldn’t fucking stop. Game over. 

It didn’t take much to tear the thin cotton apart. And it didn’t take all that much to slide against her body, between her opened thighs. She was completely out of it because of the orgasm. There was no difficulty for him to slip his tongue passed her lips. Hinata answered by instinct, their tongues dancing a sensual tango. In no time, his pants were being pushed down. And without second thought, Sasuke pushed himself inside of her.

And that’s when shit went to hell. Hinata squealed in pain, scrunching her eyes shot. Sasuke froze. Didn’t move one inch. He had felt it. A barrier. And had torn right through it. No, no, no. This was not happening. This couldn’t be true. She was a–

“You’re a virgin”, he whispered, horrified, against her throat.

“I am s-s-sorry”, she softly sobbed.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. He had to get out. But it would hurt her. Though, if he didn’t get out, with the way her walls were squeezing onto him, he would make an even bigger mess out of the situation.

As he made a movement to get away from her, her arms shot out and came to rest around his neck again. Naked underneath him and blushing deeply, Hinata turned her head to the side, avoiding looking at him. 

“D-Don’t s-stop.”

Well, it was kinda late to pull away anyways. He had fucked up big time. Sasuke could finish off at that point. It wouldn’t make too much of a difference. Softly placing a kiss on her neck, Sasuke shifted his head so that he could take her in. Her long black eyelashes were glistening with tears but the look Hinata shot him was not one of reproach. It was submissive, affectionate, the look of a woman of feeling. No one had ever looked at Sasuke with so much trust, acceptance, unadulterated desire. Hinata wanted him. Not a status, not his looks, not just a fuck.

The difference between the girls you fuck and the girls you savor.

Carefully, his lips found hers as he moved inside of her, doing his best to smother her moan of pain. Soon however, there was no possibility for Hinata to linger on the burn between her legs. It felt strangely right, the fill, the fit, the way his long eyelashes caressed her cheeks as he panted against her skin.

She was so fucking tight. Sasuke would not be able to last for long, he knew. As his strokes deepened, Hinata found herself moving her legs farther apart. Demanding more while tears sprang to her eyes. But as blurry as her vision was getting, she had the leisure to observe Sasuke. His head rearing back, his jaw clenching, the muscles in his arms standing out against his smooth, pale skin. 

In the midst of his climax, he caught a vision of Hinata. Her pulp, swollen lips parted, with their corners slightly turned up. She was beautiful. Soft. Giving. And, even if he knew he should have regretted, he couldn’t bring himself to say that he was sorry. He was not sorry. Sasuke regretted having hurt her. But he was not sorry for what had happened. Heck, he was at the point where he wanted to send Naruto a thank-you note for not having had sex with her and for having cheated on her too. 

Like, had the idiot not utterly and completely screwed up, he would have been with her at the moment. Not Sasuke. Yes, it was time Sasuke forgave Naruto for having fucked him over big time. Fuck, he would even bring Itachi a bottle of Chardonnay. Had the asshole not insisted Sasuke got help he didn’t need, he would’ve never moved in with Hinata in the first place.

Lowering himself onto her, he buried his face in the crook of Hinata’s neck, wanting to stay a little longer inside of her. First time he didn’t get off immediately. And disappeared into the wild. He liked having the possibility to feel her breath unify, her heartbeats slow down. The vivid urgency that had propelled them was gone. However, the traumatic silence that usually followed impersonal fucks was replaced in this case by a dense and pleasurable tranquility. One that made Sasuke look forward to the next time.

“Please tell me you are on the pill.”

Fuck. His. Life. That had been the best and worst day of his entire existence.

x.x.x

The six months that had preceded his departure for England had been the best of his life, Sasuke could say as much. In the beginning, shit had gone down. Sakura had screamed, cried, thrown shit at their heads. It had been a mess, but Sasuke hadn’t cared more than that. He loved Sakura. She was a childhood friend. Friend-zoned for life.

Naruto had jubilated however. To the point Sasuke had wanted to rip him a new one. The idiot had been following them everywhere. Sasuke had had to verify he hadn’t installed spycams in Hinata’s apartment. You never knew with the asshole.

However, to some extent, Sasuke had felt bad for Kiba. The guy had cried. Like a pussy. You have this six feet four mass of muscles just crying like a fucking baby. He had begged Hinata to tell him she had not had sex with Uchiha. No sex before marriage. He had threatened he would rip Sasuke’s dick off. Shino had taken over, philosophising how it was better Hinata tried Uchiha before signing any type of deal. Had made Sasuke feel like a car. But he had never minded her driving or riding him.

Another good thing had been the fact he hadn’t had to hide anymore. He could do his freelance job without a problem. Hinata started helping actually. And then, the summer. He got himself another job, paid her off. Completely and totally. Mooching off of your girlfriend was lame. 

It had taken her a while to accept the fact she was his girlfriend. Sasuke had never met a girl that had worse commitment issues than a dude. But thanks to Naruto, Hinata had been pretty traumatized by the relationship concept. Then again, thanks to Naruto, she had fallen directly into Sasuke’s lap. Hah. Eventually, she had calmed down and accepted the fact Sasuke would not play fucking stud for her.

Count on the two of them doing everything the other way around. Normal relationships started with dating. Then somewhere along the way, the two partners had sex. Eventually, the moved in together. Not how Sasuke and Hinata had done it. They had moved in together, had sex and then started dating. Whatever did it for them.

But, he had moved away to England. One year later, she had graduated and started med-school. What was there more to be said?

And here he was, standing on the side. Perfect position to observe her to his leisure. She was so perfectly beautiful at twenty-seven. Five years. Was a long period of time. They were in the middle of a goddamn church, and Sasuke’s heart contracted. He could feel it beating in his stomach.

Naruto was radiant in his tux, smiling like the fucking goofball that he was. The priest was making him repeat all the traditional shit while Sasuke’s throat palpitated. He should’ve refused to be his witness. He shouldn’t have even flown from England. The fucker didn’t deserve it, honestly. 

The way Hinata watched the scene made Sasuke want to run away. Her eyes were so soft, so tender, so absolutely loving. She deserved it. She deserved a wedding all in white, surrounded by all those she loved.

As the priest finally told the newlyweds to kiss, Naruto leaned in. Hinata threw her head back, looking at the ceiling and fanning herself with her hand. Her eyes were full of tears. She missed Naruto and Sakura’s kiss. It had the good of making Sasuke chuckle under his breath. They had been together for the last five fucking years. And he had never grown the balls to just take a fucking ticket towards Boston and ask Hiashi Hyūga for Hinata’s hand.

It was time he fucking manned up! She was the love of his life. Sasuke had known so from day one, even if he hadn’t wanted to acknowledge it. He had moved to England. Had she bitched like any other chick?! No, she had been happy for him and came to spend all her reading weeks there. They had had a distance thing for the last five years. Did she look elsewhere?! No. She had remained faithful. She said so, Sasuke trusted her. He hadn’t gone to the trouble of cheating on Hinata either. He was a dick, granted; he was not that much of a sleazebag though. And let’s be honest, she had ruined him for all the others. 

How many weddings had gone by?! Ino and Sai. Hinata had been a bridesmaid. The dress had been Champaign-colored. Sasuke had ruined it by having sex with her in the sea in Belize. Salt water and satin weren’t best friends. Then, there had been Shino and Hana Inuzuka. They had released fucking scarabs instead of doves and dogs had been invited. She had been a bridesmaid again. The dress had been pale green. Sasuke had hidden under the table while everyone had been dancing. And went down on her. She had been delicate enough not to catch the flowers. Both Ino and Hana Inuzuka had aimed for her, for fuck’s sake. 

Then, her ex-roommate Tenten and her boyfriend. Guess who one of the bridesmaids had been?! Sasuke hadn’t been able to liberate himself for that one. But the dress had been some weird yellow. Chōji and his girlfriend. At least she hadn’t been a bridesmaid for that one. Shikamaru and his girlfriend, Temari. Once again, not a bridesmaid. Thank God. 

Naruto and Sakura. Pink dress, obviously. Sakura would aim for Hinata. And this time Sasuke didn’t want her to be fucking delicate. He wanted her to punch whatever chick went for the damn flowers and grab the trophy. He had just come back from London, he had gotten himself a ticket for Boston and he would face his father-in-law. 

He didn’t fucking care whether Itachi drafted the prenup. He didn’t care that Hiashi Hyūga would have preferred his daughter to marry a guy that made ten figures. Sasuke would man up. Why?! Because next year was Kiba and his girlfriend, the dress would be fucking orange. And Sasuke just couldn’t take the insinuations anymore. 

Everyone was expecting for him to just marry Hinata already. Kiba and Shino had threatened him that he was in too deep and that it was too late to run now. Sasuke didn’t fucking want to run, ok?! But he was a ridiculous little PhD who was about to get an academia position. He wouldn’t get tenured for a while either. And Hinata was working to get good evaluations so she could apply for that specialization she wanted. Great perspectives for the future.

It took Sasuke one hour to get to Hinata. Bridesmaids and witnesses should have been standing side by side, but Naruto had made him run all over the fucking place. And then she had gone off to pay her respects and shit. Chitchat with all their already-married friends. Sasuke hadn’t seen her for four months, godammit. Skype didn’t count. You ever tried French-kissing your damn computer?!

But, when the first dance started, he could finally press her body against his; take in her perfume and thank God for being back. 

“I m-missed you”, she whispered against his throat.

Sasuke had missed her ten thousand times more.

“Hina? I got Columbia”, he murmured back.

She froze, stumbled. He kept her close, kissing her temple. Pulling away, she just stared at him, her eyes wide. Uh oh. Was that good or bad surprise?! Sasuke wasn’t all that sure anymore. He frowned.

“Good news or bad news?”

Hinata opened her mouth. Closed it. Opened it again.

“C-Columbia?! Oh my God. T-That is huge, Sasuke. I c-can’t believe it. Congrat–”

His lips cut her off, not caring one bit whether they were stealing the show or whether her lipstick would get all smudged. Yeah. It wasn’t all that bad, Columbia. He smirked against her lips as Hinata melted into him, wanting more. Wanton little thing. Then again, there was just so much you could do with ten fingers. During four goddamn months. Oh, he was a pervert.

“So, this time, I want you to rouse your inner quarterback from the dead and go for the flowers.”

She snickered under her breath.

“I am n-not all that sure I want to g-get married right away.” 

Raising an eyebrow at her, Sasuke wasn’t sure whether she was joking or not. He had discovered somewhat of a playful side to Hinata. A side she kept only for him. Tilting her head to the side, she looked at him from under her long eyelashes.

“Then what do you want?”

Pulling him down, she gave his ear a frisky lick before whispering:

“Well, my biological clock is going crazy. I think I’ll need a sperm donor.”

Sasuke smirked. He might be able to help her with that.

“It’s your lucky day, Miss Hyūga. Sperm donating is one of my specialities. I’ll make you a price.”

Later in the evening, as everyone was busy getting drunk or making obscene sex jokes, Sasuke sneaked out of the reception. He had stopped smoking a good four years ago so it had nothing to do with him needing his dose of nicotine. Going for his phone, he dialed a number. He better tell the asshole he was taking a flight for Boston tomorrow evening.

“Sasuke. You’ve arrived to the US?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re having fun at the wedding?”

“No.”

But that might change, if he succeeded in locking the female bathrooms from the inside. Hinata, him and bathroom mirrors. Mm.

“And I take in account you have called to finally admit that you have a porn addiction and ask for help.”

Five fucking years later. Itachi honestly needed a psychiatrist at that point.

“Yeah. Itachi, I have an addiction to porn and I need help.”

“Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. You’re on the right track.”

“Yeah, whatever. So, if I get some therapy, will you unblock the bank account?”

What did you want Sasuke to tell you?! Weddings were getting fucking expensive nowadays, ok?!


End file.
